For years I felt this surge of empowerment that I felt I couldn’t contain. I had to share with the world how incredible our souls are individually and encourage others to see themselves as the unstoppable force that we are! This blog was formed as a way to share that with others in the way I communicate best: through writing. Writing has always been my safest and most favorite outlet.
But as some of you may have noticed, for over a year and a half I have been absent from the very place I felt strong and safe enough to create. I believe so strongly that if we just opened up about our struggles, humanity could accomplish anything. We can rally together for so much goodness when we know we aren’t alone. I love the quote “When we open up about our emotional challenges, admitting we are not perfect, we give others permission to share their struggles. Together we realize THERE IS HOPE and we do not have to suffer alone” - Reyna I. Aburto. So, during Suicide Prevention Month, I wanted to practice what I preach, become vulnerable for a minute, and to open up with you about why I suddenly went so quiet.
*TRIGGER WARNING*
I have been dealing with my own mental health in a heavy way. It is not something I am a stranger to throughout my life, but it was something that I believed I had overcome. I felt like I had developed this superpower of seeing awesomeness in humanity constantly pulsing through my veins. But something happened at the end of 2018. Quickly I felt that superpower slip away in the way I saw myself. I still saw others as ridiculously amazing people with unlimited potential, but I myself suddenly felt totally worthless.
Depression started to creep in. I started crying myself to sleep regularly. I began being short with those that that I was closest to. Panic attacks became more and more present. Mood swings were a daily occurrence. Flashbacks were returning, this time with a vengeance as quick and sharp as lightening. I started to withdraw and disconnect from those around me. I was taking on guilt that wasn’t mine to hold. I felt overwhelmed and powerless, something I thought I would never feel again. But worst of all, I couldn’t write. Not a word. Not a sentence. Not a thought. My most cherished outlet was gone. No creativity was flowing as it had throughout my entire life. Six months passed with wondering what was happening to me and how I even got there in the first place. I had been making excuses for months about what was going on with me mentally, physically, and emotionally. But none of those excuses were dealing with the why.
I began having suicidal thoughts. I would find my mind wandering to dark spaces I didn’t know existed. Dark and empty corners in my mind were becoming entire rooms. Small seconds of the self-destruction started to consume me for hours a time. Every day was daunting and felt impossible. I started having to live my life a moment at a time to survive. The toxic and uncontrollable thought that I was nothing but a burden was all my mind could believe. That was when I knew I needed help.
One dark day in June of 2019, I called my Mother to tell her I couldn’t do this alone any longer. I sat in my office and cried for what felt like hours as I struggled to choke those six words out of my mouth “Mum, I think I need help”.
I saw three different therapists before I found one that resonated with me. All three diagnosed me with Complex PTSD, something that I had never heard of before. Immediately I started doing EMDR therapy to work on myself and my unresolved trauma. Up to this time I thought I was fine. I thought I had dealt with my mental health when in reality, I had just buried my demons beneath layers of distractions. The thing is, when you bury your problems, all you really do is bury them alive. They still survive silently and relentlessly whilst they patiently await their time to return. Mine resurfaced all at once like an overwhelming and dangerously powerful waterfall.
I have been consumed in darkness for over a year a half. I have felt completely hopeless, like I have been wandering in a chaotic, empty, and dark forest for the past 20 months. My emotions are often unpredictable. Sometimes I feel like I am running from an unseen danger, other times I am crippled with fear. Sometimes I feel inaccessible anger, other times I feel nothing at all. I am either drowning from overwhelming emotion or I am dying from the thirst when the drought of feeling nothing at all sets in. Through all of this unending and incomprehensible pain, I have forgotten what it feels like to be happy and what it feels like to be truly alive and thriving. But I am still here. I am still fighting a personal and invisible battle every second of everyday. I am still trying to overcome the daily darkness and come out the other side a warrior.
I am grateful to my ride or die friends that have stuck around through the darkness. I am grateful to my family that not only encourage me to get help, but often took the brunt of my trauma resurfacing and loved me regardless. I am learning to be grateful for that terrified 28-year-old woman that realized I needed help to survive. But I am especially grateful I have been able to channel my writing and creativity in a way I didn’t know I could and begin to write again. I am grateful I finally feel safe once more in this space that I created for my voice.
During Suicide Prevention Month, I will be dedicating this space to weekly posts for those who are struggling just like me. We are not alone. We are powerful. WE ARE ENOUGH! If you have a loved one that struggles with mental health and especially with suicidal thoughts, know that we need your love. We need your acceptance. We need to know we are not a burden. We need to know there is hope. Please reach out for help. Talk to a friend, a family member, a professional, or someone else you trust.
We can all help prevent suicide. If you or someone you know is struggling and you do not know where to turn, please reach out to the NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION LIFELINE at 1 (800) 273-8255. Don’t suffer in silence. Never, ever, EVER forget. We see you. We are here for you. And YOU ARE LOVED!